Most people are naturally insecure when entering a new relationship. That’s natural – we want to show our potential mate our best side, our bright side, and we would prefer our flaws to never see the light of day. You can take some comfort from the fact that if you are insecure, your partner is, too! Here is how to overcome insecurity and build a solid relationship based on open communication and being who you are.
Insecurities in relationships are a result of fear – and ironically, it’s usually fear of not being loved for who you are. If you have trouble lowering the front and being yourself in front of your partner, you will inevitably cause yourself a lot of stress and the relationship will suffer as you imagine all sorts of scenarios about the inevitable time when you are “found out.” If you fear that your partner will find out what you’re really like – that he or she will see you “emotionally naked”, you will hide who you are and pretend to be someone else. How long can you do that? Some people do it indefinitely. All it does is damage relationships and cause stress.
The other big fear is rejection. This comes as an offshoot of a fear of being found out for who you really are and being rejected as a result. Rejection hurts, and so we build walls and hold our partners at an emotional arm’s length.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can overcome self-doubt and enjoy a fabulous relationship free of insecurity.
First, let’s look at the symptoms of insecurities in relationships: clinginess, dishonesty, poor communication, jealousy, anger, manipulation, over-dependency, games (silent treatment, withholding affection, etc.). If any of these are prevalent in your relationship, you are probably insecure.
Instead of working on eliminating the symptoms of insecurity, let’s focus on eliminating the insecurity itself. Then you won’t feel the need to lie, cling, manipulate, lash out, play games or hide. And neither will your partner!
1. Get to know yourself better. This might sound weird, but it’s not easy to identify some of your characteristics that other people see… and you might very well be trying to hide something you’re not. For example, let’s say you have a hard time achieving your goals and you don’t want your potential partner to see you as a “loser.” So you make up grandiose stories of your achievements and hype yourself up in an effort to appear to be THE answer to their dreams. You project confidence and success, and hide the fact that you self-sabotage. How much of the reason for your lack of success is within your awareness?
It takes self-awareness to notice the unconscious thoughts, speech and behaviors that reveal your true inner nature. Meditation is the best way to become self-aware. Listening to your inner speech is illuminating to say the least, and many of us just don’t take the time to know ourselves like this. If you notice that the tone of your inner speech is negative, don’t be upset. Take it as very valuable guidance, because you can change the nature of your thoughts. Once you’re aware of your inner environment, use the self-reprogramming exercises of the Silva Method to undo old conditioned programs. What sorts of ‘programs’ do you want to change? Any belief that is self-defeating (“I’m not good enough” or “I can’t”). You must love yourself before you can open yourself up to love from another person!
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Once you’re self-aware, you can be upfront. You can say to your partner, “hey, I’ve always had a hard time with… but I’ve done…” Everyone appreciates a genuine person. Be who you are. Accept your uniqueness. Work on what you want to change and try to see yourself how your partner sees you – as someone worthy of love!
2. Focus your attention on your partner. Instead of spending your energy worrying about what he or she thinks about you and putting up a front, focus on what you find wonderful, attractive, positive, exciting or enjoyable about your partner. Be interested in your partner’s dreams, desires, hopes, fears, plans, outlook, etc.
What you see in your partner is a mirror for what is in you. Your partner’s qualities you notice and are attracted to are ones you believe in.
You’ll naturally increase your self-acceptance the more you focus on what is good about your partner and about yourself. You can’t be both positive and negative at the same time, right? Focus on what you like and remember, those qualities are within you, too. The result will be a huge confidence boost and your insecurity will vanish.
It’s a natural human quality to doubt yourself and your abilities. On the one hand, this is good – it can serve as a catalyst for self-improvement. So take every opportunity to work on yourself – because YOU are the only person you can change! But taken too far, doubts erode self-worth and eventually become part of who you are. Learning to see your partner’s good qualities takes away the focus on yourself; and if you need to develop those qualities in yourself, you won’t feel like you’re not worthy.
3. Be happy with yourself. Many people perceive a partner as someone who will fill a void, or complete them somehow. That just isn’t the case. You are complete, as you are and you will remain complete no matter what happens in the relationship.
You were complete long before you met your partner and any voids you perceive in yourself are completely imaginary. Use the Silva Method self-awareness and visualization exercises to see yourself as perfect and whole as you are – and as the wonderful, loving person who attracted your partner! This ability to see yourself as whole will lead to non-attachment, a state where you love freely and without the desperation borne of fear or insecurity.
Want to learn more?
Click on the banner below to download the Silva Method FREE Starter Kit!